


let's do it again. for real, this time

by e1even



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Fix-It, Fix-It of Sorts, Internalized Homophobia, Love Confessions, M/M, Mutual Pining, Requited Love, i cant take it im seriously at my limit
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-08
Updated: 2020-11-08
Packaged: 2021-03-08 21:13:56
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,165
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27443218
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/e1even/pseuds/e1even
Summary: “You love me.” Dean asks, fragile. He feels like a coward, exposed, figured out, frozen. He’s moving anyways. He somehow manages to get his other hand on Cas’ hip and he feels himself shaking like a leaf and this is the worst fucking day of Dean’s life.“I love you, Dean.” It’s the best-worst day of his entire life.
Relationships: Castiel/Dean Winchester
Comments: 5
Kudos: 134





	let's do it again. for real, this time

**Author's Note:**

> I haven’t written for this fandom in 8 years or even looked at this show in like 7, or written in like 4 but seeing how they handled this confession made me enter a fugue state and make this. A Destiel Fix-It Confession Fic, or ‘how you should have done it you goddamn cowards and also they’re alone in a room with a couch because I don’t know where this is set.’
> 
> I might start writing again but this was written by the little teenage goblin in my mind who's a gay man now and wants gay rights.

He’s barely able to listen. His best friend is saying stuff but it just feels like his heart is falling out of his ribcage.

“-you changed me, Dean.” Castiel was smiling like he said anything new, anything revelatory, like he said everything he had to say and Dean’s just supposed to know what this means. He thinks he does. Everything they’ve danced around for years, the point they’ve been circling every moment they’ve known each other.

Dean can’t buy it. Cas looks like he knows something that Dean doesn’t, and that he knows Dean could never know.

“Why does this sound like a goodbye?” 

“Because it is. I love you.” He can’t just say it.

“Don’t do this Cas.” He can’t just say that.

Cas is smiling at him knowing and perfect. Smiling like something is disintegrating around them. Smiling about that thing he thought they both agreed to not acknowledge. Smiling and he knows what this means but it’s so much worse. Dean has spent his entire life fighting and being forced to submit to fate. Always struggling at first but always giving in. Always accepting what it meant to live his life without whenever God or fate or life or circumstance told him to. Like a good boy, who does what he’s told, takes all of his punishments, and never lets himself think what could have been different. Something is disintegrating, turning into dust.

It’s all he’s ever known. It’s like something is different. It’s like for the first time in his life, his body is moving without his permission, entirely on its own.

“Fuck it, Cas. You’re not going anywhere.” Somehow Dean’s hand is holding onto Cas’ shoulder. He doesn’t know how it got there. He has no idea how he got here, but the way Cas looks at him, he’d rather die a hundred more deaths, go to hell a thousand more times than to look away right at this moment. 

Maybe he’d have to. He’s so close to Cas now, who’s looking at him like he’s uncertain about what Dean’s about to do. Elation. Fear. Quizzical, like Cas always is when Dean does anything that scares both of them; and he slides his hand up to the back of Cas’ neck while he steps closer and Cas isn’t stopping him.

“Dean.” Castiel’s gravelly voice sends a little shiver down his spine. It’s not a question.

“Cas.” It’s an answer.

They’re chest to chest. Cas has raised his hands and they’re hovering over Dean’s back, like he’s afraid to touch him. Like he isn’t sure what’s happening. Dean isn’t sure either. He has no idea what he’s doing. He has no real idea how Cas is still here, when he has a feeling Cas wasn’t gonna leave by choice, like they’re defying something so much bigger than themselves.

“You love me.” Dean asks, fragile. He feels like a coward, exposed, figured out, frozen. He’s moving anyways. He somehow manages to get his other hand on Cas’ hip and he feels himself shaking like a leaf and this is the worst fucking day of Dean’s life.

“I love you, Dean.” It’s the best-worst day of his entire life.

“You can’t just say that. You can’t love me.”

Castiel’s hand lands on Dean’s cheek. His touch is soft, his palm is warm, his fingers are calloused, and he’s dreaming. There’s no way Dean is living this life. There’s no way this is his Cas, this is his body, this is his real life. It has to be a lie. Some fae. Some spirit. Some Djinn, some angel tormenting him.

His angel leans in, one hand on his lower back, still so so gentle, and brushes their lips together like he has no idea what he’s doing and Castiel definitely doesn’t, and his heart is fluttering in his just like a bluebird, like a fucking jackhammer.

“I have always loved you.” Cas definitely doesn’t know what to do. Dean doesn’t either. He’s never had a man this close to him, touch him like he was something so valuable. Like he never wants to let go. Like he never wants to hurt him. Like he actually thinks he’s worth it, worth everything that Dean’s put him through. Like after all this time and blood and tears, he doesn’t consider any of it wasted.

“Cas.” Dean whispers, letting himself lean into Castiel’s hand, press his body closer to feel his warmth through his shirt in this absolutely stolen moment. Castiel won’t look away, and he never does, ever, but it makes him feel so exposed. He wants to man up, square his shoulders, and step away. Laugh it off.

He wants to stay like this for the rest of his life. He wants to pretend this never happened, he- he just kisses Cas, pulls him closer with his hands like a clingy teenager having her first kiss. Just a short moment, but it lasts forever and it’s not nearly enough. He’s not some girl. He wants this too much. He’s not some blushing virgin. This isn’t the first person he’s ever clung to and thought ‘I love you’, there’s been so many more. There’s so many more things for them to worry about, but.

It's just them. 

It's not like it's only ever been them, or like no one else mattered or nothing else ever mattered but everything is coming together in the way he grasps at Cas' coat and the brush of Cas' stubble against his cheek, he's like a drowning man pulled out of the water too fast and he's dizzy and so thankful and so, so afraid.

"I can't lose you." Dean says. He can't say it. Cas is his best friend. That’s all they should be. That’s all he’s allowed to have. They're horrible like this. He’s destroying one of the only good things left in his life.

Castiel looks him in the eye, sees how lost he is, bites his lip, and Dean feels his hand slide to the back of his head and pull him closer. They’re resting their foreheads against each other, and breathing in, and it’s intoxicating that they’re stealing this moment. He knows they’re on borrowed time. He knows Cas has to go and it makes him hold him tighter because he wants to be wrong in all these little ways. He wants Cas to break him. Cas already has. Castiel has pulled him apart and put him back together more times than he can remember so when Cas pulls away and grabs his hand he’s so scared he’s losing him forever.

But that’s not what happens.

Cas leads him to the couch, sits down and pulls Dean over him. Dean’s been in this situation a hundred times and he still doesn’t know what to do, so he asks:

“Cas, can I kiss you?” And Castiel leans up and kisses him.

It’s everything he never let himself dream of. This is the best day of his life.


End file.
